Conservative columnist/commentator/utter douche Robert Novak died today after a battle with cancer.
Sources in Hell report that Hell C.E.O. Satan is preparing a star-studded fete to welcome his son back to the inferno. A lieutenant in Satan's army who asked that it not be named told Deathwatch, "Oh my god. This is gonna be so tight. We got Diddy performing. Barry Manilow is going to do a medley. Miley Cyrus is going to do a set with the Jonas Brothers! This party is going to be kewl. (Make sure that you spell that the cool way, okay?)"
A company in Washington D.C. has been hired to cater the affair. According to the owner of the business, Satan is going with a luau theme, meaning Novak and the other minons of the Devil will be munching on delicious roast pig and authentic poi!
After a lifetime doing Satan's bidding on Earth, Novak certainly has earned this kind of reception. Most mortals say he will not be missed.
Thanos Therapeuticus and The Crippler both snag 22 points and the satisfaction of benefitting in some small way from Novak's passing.
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In high school, I attended a cultist right-wing indoctrination camp called "Freedom Foundation" back in (1986)high school--where I was voted "most argumentative." In my brief acceptance speach I asked that they consider changing the name of the award to "Least Likeley to Drink the Cool-Aid" but they declined--not understanding my "obscure" reference--nor did they understand the depth of my insult. :)
ReplyDeleteAt any rate it was here that I met and ate lunch with the infantile, asshole that was Robert Novak. Sphinchterbo was actively displeased when I dared challenge his assertions that "sweatshops didn't exist;" that "communisnm should not be taught in schools;" and that illegal aliens (aka the immigrationally challenged) had no rights in America under its great constitution."
When I destroyed him by suggesting that perhaps he needed to visit the garment district in NYC, that communism MUST be taught, as those who do not understand history are doomed to repeat it and that on page 51 of Magruder's American National Government they state that illegal aliens have ONE right under the constitution--the right to due process.
He was PISSED--I don't know how he ever survived doing "Cross Fire" where folks were infinitely less congenial to him than I was.
I was ok with his assholery, and was oddly invited to lunch with him by the organizers of the event--apparently they were hoping I'd be awed by his great celebrity and knuckle under... So over VEAL (Pita take note!) Parmesean, he spoke to all of my table mates, and when I was drawn into the conversation by someone else, Mr. Novak actively refused to acknowledge my existence.
Like most neo-conservative treasonists this asshole thought that by pretending a "problem" didn't exist that it would go away. He was wrong. I made a point of being ingratiatingly polite and forcing him to escalate his level of infantilsm (to the point of not passing the salt to me!) (Grim will tell you that this was a tactical error--if you want someone to die give them salt.) His prissy boorishness earned me an apology from the Ohio delegation head (A genial VFW'er who was pretty conservative but in that way that you've earned the right to when you've survived Guadalcanal) who said, "He shouldn't have been that way to you, you were polite and respectful in how you disagreed with him. What is becoming of our country when we can't be civil to each other?"
Well who knew how true THAT statement would be????
It was this close encounter of the 4th kind that inspired me to keep tabs on "Bob" all these years.
Rest in peace you bigoted bastard. :)
Thanatos Therapeuticus