Sports Machine Shut Down Amid Radiation Fears

Veteran sports journalist George Michael passed away today from cancer that many suspect was the product of more than a quarter century of labor with dangerously radioactive sports machinery.

In the late 1970s, the U.S. government developed a hazardous new top-secret technology. This technology culminated in the 1980 construction of a room-sized supercomputer that could snatch global sports highlights seemingly out of thin air. Built in a concrete bunker beneath the cornfields of central Iowa, this project was called, appropriately, "The Sports Machine." Reliable middle-aged sportscaster George Michael was chosen to lead the project, a decision which would irradiate Michael and his crew for the 27 years that followed.

When the Sports Machine was first broadcast into homes, some conspiracy theorists said that the machinery wasn't real. Clearly, they weren't looking closely at all the giant dials, mammoth buttons, and working reel-to-reel tape machines! Other critics said that George Michael's broadcasting voice was so overly affected that it had to be computer generated. None of the critics understood the reality: The Sports Machine was REAL, and it was biometrically tuned to respond only to George Michael's touch.

In the decades that followed, entire 24-hour sports television networks were launched, amassing legions of videographers and armies of statisticians to try to duplicate the success of The Sports Machine. All attempts to unseat Michael failed to be as powerful or relevant as the 30-minute once-weekly Sports Machine.

ESPN, CNN/SI, FoxSports, et al., however, used inferior technology that was not based on colossal machinery fueled by radioactive isotopes. Fortunately, the staffs of these failed copycat sports ventures will not need to buried in lead-lined coffins.

John Hughes' Funeral Attended Mostly by Narrowly Defined Stereotypes

The funeral for director/screenwriter John Hughes was held in a suburb outside of Chicago this morning. Hughes died last Thursday of a heart attack while visiting New York City. A family spokesman said that the heart attack came as Hughes raced Kevin Bacon down the street in pursuit of an available cab.

At this morning's funeral service, witnesses say that most of the mourners fit a little too easily into generic funeral cliches. There was the "grieving widow", the "priest" and the "guy who's just there to try to see Molly Ringwald."

One attendee, Evan Siberling, said, "I sat there during the service and I was thinking, 'Wow. This really speaks to me and where I am in life right now.' But I'm betting that, twenty years from now, I'll watch a video of the funeral and wonder why the hell I liked it so much."

No DW2K9 players had been looking for Hughes' 16 candles to be snuffed out.

Frank McCourt's Ashes

There once was an author named Frank
Whose life as a child sure stank

For the Pulitzer Prize

He wrote about lives

Which were miserable, shitty and rank.

Show some respect for the old Irishman by pouring a bit of whiskey into your glass and onto the ground.

'Tis true no DW2K9ers claimed the 22 points Frank left behind. They figured since McCourt already lived through hell he must be invicible.

Deflated

Retired NFL quarterback Steve "Air" McNair officially had the "Air" removed from both his name and his lungs on Saturday. In what looks like an adultery-gone-wrong murder-suicide, an apparently unstable young woman decided to ventilate the cannon-armed former Alcorn State football standout with several holes to the chest and head.
No DW2K9ers had placed a bet that McNabb's life would go into sudden death, and 64 points go unclaimed.

I Think It Might Go a Little Something Like This...

Impressionist Fred Travalena has died at age 66.

Witnesses say the comedian was onstage, doing an impression of Billy Mays and just took it too far.

"He was so committed to his craft," said friend Paul Rodriguez. "He really wanted to nail this one and he felt the only way to do the impression right was to stop his own heart. By the way, the audience? Loved it! He killed! And died."

Unsurprisingly, no DW2K9 players knew who the hell Fred Travalena was. Or cared.

BILLY MAYS IS DEAD!

TV SPOKESMAN BILLY MAYS HAS DIED IN TAMPA, FLORIDA!!!!!!!

MAYS GAINED NOTORIETY WITH HIS INFOMERCIALS FOR OXYCLEAN BEFORE MOVING ON TO SELL OTHER EXCITING PRODUCTS!!!!

NOW HE'S DEAD AND TV WILL BE MUCH, MUCH QUIETER!!!!

!!!!!!!!!

NO DW2K9 PLAYERS SELECTED MAYS, SO DEATH KNELL BELLE CANNOT ADD TO HER HUGE GODDAMN LEAD!!!!

Ed McMahon of Hollywood, California, You May Already Be a Winner Corpse!

(Scene from a hospital room June 22, 2009)
Doctor: Mr. McMahon, I'm sorry to tell you that you don't have much time left.
Ed: YOU ARE CORRECT, SIR!
Doctor: No seriously, man, you're going to die, probably tonight.
Ed: DO TELL, O' EXALTED ONE! (Guffaws in an exaggerated manner for 10 seconds)
Doctor: Clearly, I'm not getting through to you. (walks out)
Ed: HEYYYYYYY-OOOOOO! (dies of unknown semi-natural causes)

Television legend Ed McMahon died today, following suit only a few short months after his dignity.

Co-host of Johnny Carson's The Tonight Show for 30 years from 1962-1992, Ed McMahon was the best-known sidekick in history. Unfortunately, McMahon would live long enough to squander both his star power capital (making Star Search and TV Bloopers and Practical Jokes) and his actual capital (having his house foreclosed on in recent years).

One is left to wonder if the widow of the man who inspired "Weird" Al Yankovic's "Here's Johnny"* will collect on one of those low-cost Colonial Penn Life Insurance Policies? Well, if not, at least Cash4Gold has her covered and will buy all of his fillings.

Unbelievably, no DW2K9ers "Carnac"ed his death, and 2009 remains a scoreless tie. Everybody tip back a can of "The King of Beers" for Big Ed tonight.

*Hat tip to SuicideByDouche for the reminder on the song!

Danny Gans! One night only! LIVE DEAD in Las Vegas!

It appears as though the overly-white-smile-flashing, cringe-worthy-performance-giving, frat-boy-looking tool Danny Gans has died the way he became famous--for no apparent reason at all.

When not sitting around counting his ill-gotten gains and flossing his fake chompers with his thread-thin penis, Gans liked to waste energy and millions of gallons of water sprinkling the grounds of his lavish homoerotic whites-only ranch in the middle of the freaking desert.

Now, I'm a great writer. Perhaps one of the best in history. But I'll use the words of another, Cintra Wilson's assessment of Gans 10 years ago (from salon.com,)to describe Gans:

Billed as "The Man of Many Voices," he couldn't have better word-of-mouth in town; Laotian cab drivers, unsolicited, gush over him. At poolside, fat, mustachioed and wealthy Texas drunks will go out of their way to sing his praises, apropos of nothing. He is called "incredible." He is actually, we discovered, the most hateful human being ever to have a dog-like and hooting audience full of tasteless, beer-powered, sentimental bigot Dipshits for Jesus.
...
Danny Gans is human filth. His show contained some of the worst, most militantly puerile, good ol' boy racist and homophobic hack material I have ever heard, not to mention the most seamlessly unidentifiable and all-alike-sounding group of vocal impressions ever assembled by a single venal abortion of a performer.


Screw you, Danny. Screw you and your orange skin and your fake crowns and your dyed jet-black rug hair. And screw you for being a talentless hack with less edge than a raquetball.

Nobody chose Gans this year, because this is a death pool for FAMOUS people.

And Then There's Dead

Former Golden Girl Bea Arthur died Saturday at the age of 86. Remembered fondly for that 80s sitcom, Arthur was also an accomplished stage actress, winning acclaim in such Broadway smashes as Three-Penny Opera, Fiddler on the Roof and Mame.

Arthur became a super-star with her lead role in the ground-breaking 70s sitcom Maude. Her character, Maude Findley was a feminist who broke many TV taboos, such as when her character had an abortion, when she anally violated her husband Walter with a strap-on and when she smeared menstrual blood on her face and assaulted New York mayor Abe Beame with a spear.

Arthur won an Emmy and a Golden Globe for her work on Maude. She will be missed by all the lame Comedy Central Roast comedians who made stupid, easy jokes about her masculine looks.

Amazingly, no DW2K9 players picked Ms. Arthur.

Paul Harvey's Dead...It's True

Renowned radio broadcaster Paul Harvey died at the age of 90.

I'll be completely honest, I know absolutely nothing about this guy and heard a portion of one of his broadcasts maybe once.

But I do remember Rich Hall's awesome impression of him on SNL in the early 80s, and that's enough for me to find his death news-worthy. In fact, I propose that we kill Rich Hall and bury him with Mr. Harvey, as a kind of weird tribute.

Adios, Mr. Harvey. Here's hoping you're visiting that True Value Hardware Store in heaven. Or hell. Wherever.

None of the DW2K9 players whose death lists are posted had Mr. Harvey as a pick. If players whose lists are not yet posted have him, I'm sure the administrators will be quick to correct The Shadow's error.