God Receives Oral

Is there anyone in the history of Christianity who has ever played up the "I'm talking directly to a man in the sky, and he wants specifically X amount of dollars" bit more than Oral Roberts? He once claimed that if he couldn't raise more money, that he would be "called home" by some divine force. Seriously? As if televangelists weren't intelligence-insulting enough already!

Oral also started a "university" (it would create the mold for another fine learning institution, Liberty "University") and named it after...(drum roll, please)...HIMSELF!

Most men say that there's no such thing as bad oral. In this case, I beg to differ.
This pathetic charlatan lived way longer than he deserved to, and Thanatos Therapeuticus got perhaps his most-deserved 9 points of all time.

Satan Planning Elaborate "Welcome Home" Party for Robert Novak

Conservative columnist/commentator/utter douche Robert Novak died today after a battle with cancer.

Sources in Hell report that Hell C.E.O. Satan is preparing a star-studded fete to welcome his son back to the inferno. A lieutenant in Satan's army who asked that it not be named told Deathwatch, "Oh my god. This is gonna be so tight. We got Diddy performing. Barry Manilow is going to do a medley. Miley Cyrus is going to do a set with the Jonas Brothers! This party is going to be kewl. (Make sure that you spell that the cool way, okay?)"

A company in Washington D.C. has been hired to cater the affair. According to the owner of the business, Satan is going with a luau theme, meaning Novak and the other minons of the Devil will be munching on delicious roast pig and authentic poi!

After a lifetime doing Satan's bidding on Earth, Novak certainly has earned this kind of reception. Most mortals say he will not be missed.

Thanos Therapeuticus and The Crippler both snag 22 points and the satisfaction of benefitting in some small way from Novak's passing.