Lazy, Uncaccomplished Kennedy Sibling Dies

Eunice Kennedy Shriver, sister of President John F. Kennedy and Senator Ted Kennedy died this morning at age 88.

Mrs. Shriver was just one more idle rich girl, suckling at the teat of her father's fortune, perched up high on her ivory tower and throwing water balloons filled with urine down on the rest of us.

There are those who may argue that she "founded the Special Olympics" or they'll whine about how her husband started the Peace Corps or some other such nonsense. Listen, people: Eunice Kennedy Shriver was a leech who fed on the lifeblood of real Americans like the Bush family. Now there's an admirable dynasty.

Anyway, The Oracle, Thanatos Therapeuticus and The Crippler all snag a tidy twelve points for putting the bullseye on this lady's back. So I guess she did somebody some good, finally.

John Hughes' Funeral Attended Mostly by Narrowly Defined Stereotypes

The funeral for director/screenwriter John Hughes was held in a suburb outside of Chicago this morning. Hughes died last Thursday of a heart attack while visiting New York City. A family spokesman said that the heart attack came as Hughes raced Kevin Bacon down the street in pursuit of an available cab.

At this morning's funeral service, witnesses say that most of the mourners fit a little too easily into generic funeral cliches. There was the "grieving widow", the "priest" and the "guy who's just there to try to see Molly Ringwald."

One attendee, Evan Siberling, said, "I sat there during the service and I was thinking, 'Wow. This really speaks to me and where I am in life right now.' But I'm betting that, twenty years from now, I'll watch a video of the funeral and wonder why the hell I liked it so much."

No DW2K9 players had been looking for Hughes' 16 candles to be snuffed out.

Frank McCourt's Ashes

There once was an author named Frank
Whose life as a child sure stank

For the Pulitzer Prize

He wrote about lives

Which were miserable, shitty and rank.

Show some respect for the old Irishman by pouring a bit of whiskey into your glass and onto the ground.

'Tis true no DW2K9ers claimed the 22 points Frank left behind. They figured since McCourt already lived through hell he must be invicible.

The News Is Dead

Walter Cronkite died today at 92. He was fucking awesome. That is all.

The Oracle and Miss of Death both pick up 8 points for their appreciation of good journalism.

Deflated

Retired NFL quarterback Steve "Air" McNair officially had the "Air" removed from both his name and his lungs on Saturday. In what looks like an adultery-gone-wrong murder-suicide, an apparently unstable young woman decided to ventilate the cannon-armed former Alcorn State football standout with several holes to the chest and head.
No DW2K9ers had placed a bet that McNabb's life would go into sudden death, and 64 points go unclaimed.

Don't Leave Earth Without It

Oscar/Emmy award-winning actor Karl Malden passed away in his sleep today at the age of 97.

Malden had a lengthy career that started when he built all the theaters on Broadway, a task he undertook soon after he combined his inventions of earth and fire to make bricks.

Karl's signature role may have been that of Lt. Mike Stone on the television hit The Streets of San Fransisco, which ran too long ago for me to remember. I bring up Streets here, though, because Karl co-starred with an untalented young douche-ling named Michael Douglas, who many of us now know as an aging, bloated, hacky, mega-douche named Michael Douglas. Michael Douglas still thinks that the same hair style is cool, (it isn't) and yet he STILL gets the excessively hot Zeta-Jones? (WTF?) Screw you, Michael Douglas!

Malden also parlayed his "authoritative tough guy" image into a 20-year stint of scaring people into using American Express products by showing an exaggerated number of defenseless American tourists being robbed, assaulted, and left penniless while traveling abroad. That was kind of a dick move, if you ask me, and he really wasn't eclipsed in the area of generating tourist paranoia until the movies Hostel and Turistas came out in 2005 and 2006, repectively.

When not busy being ridiculously old, or tending to his 70-year marriage, the bulbous-nosed actor inspired artists to draw him as a comic book milkman.*

A very stubborn Grim Reaper kept Malden on his list for the past TEN DeathWatches, and is finally rewarded for his troubles with three measly points.

*OK, I made that up, but there is a resemblance there, right? Also coincidental is that Malden's immigrant father WAS a milkman for 38 years.

I Think It Might Go a Little Something Like This...

Impressionist Fred Travalena has died at age 66.

Witnesses say the comedian was onstage, doing an impression of Billy Mays and just took it too far.

"He was so committed to his craft," said friend Paul Rodriguez. "He really wanted to nail this one and he felt the only way to do the impression right was to stop his own heart. By the way, the audience? Loved it! He killed! And died."

Unsurprisingly, no DW2K9 players knew who the hell Fred Travalena was. Or cared.