Satan Planning Elaborate "Welcome Home" Party for Robert Novak

Conservative columnist/commentator/utter douche Robert Novak died today after a battle with cancer.

Sources in Hell report that Hell C.E.O. Satan is preparing a star-studded fete to welcome his son back to the inferno. A lieutenant in Satan's army who asked that it not be named told Deathwatch, "Oh my god. This is gonna be so tight. We got Diddy performing. Barry Manilow is going to do a medley. Miley Cyrus is going to do a set with the Jonas Brothers! This party is going to be kewl. (Make sure that you spell that the cool way, okay?)"

A company in Washington D.C. has been hired to cater the affair. According to the owner of the business, Satan is going with a luau theme, meaning Novak and the other minons of the Devil will be munching on delicious roast pig and authentic poi!

After a lifetime doing Satan's bidding on Earth, Novak certainly has earned this kind of reception. Most mortals say he will not be missed.

Thanos Therapeuticus and The Crippler both snag 22 points and the satisfaction of benefitting in some small way from Novak's passing.

Lazy, Uncaccomplished Kennedy Sibling Dies

Eunice Kennedy Shriver, sister of President John F. Kennedy and Senator Ted Kennedy died this morning at age 88.

Mrs. Shriver was just one more idle rich girl, suckling at the teat of her father's fortune, perched up high on her ivory tower and throwing water balloons filled with urine down on the rest of us.

There are those who may argue that she "founded the Special Olympics" or they'll whine about how her husband started the Peace Corps or some other such nonsense. Listen, people: Eunice Kennedy Shriver was a leech who fed on the lifeblood of real Americans like the Bush family. Now there's an admirable dynasty.

Anyway, The Oracle, Thanatos Therapeuticus and The Crippler all snag a tidy twelve points for putting the bullseye on this lady's back. So I guess she did somebody some good, finally.

John Hughes' Funeral Attended Mostly by Narrowly Defined Stereotypes

The funeral for director/screenwriter John Hughes was held in a suburb outside of Chicago this morning. Hughes died last Thursday of a heart attack while visiting New York City. A family spokesman said that the heart attack came as Hughes raced Kevin Bacon down the street in pursuit of an available cab.

At this morning's funeral service, witnesses say that most of the mourners fit a little too easily into generic funeral cliches. There was the "grieving widow", the "priest" and the "guy who's just there to try to see Molly Ringwald."

One attendee, Evan Siberling, said, "I sat there during the service and I was thinking, 'Wow. This really speaks to me and where I am in life right now.' But I'm betting that, twenty years from now, I'll watch a video of the funeral and wonder why the hell I liked it so much."

No DW2K9 players had been looking for Hughes' 16 candles to be snuffed out.