Frank McCourt's Ashes

There once was an author named Frank
Whose life as a child sure stank

For the Pulitzer Prize

He wrote about lives

Which were miserable, shitty and rank.

Show some respect for the old Irishman by pouring a bit of whiskey into your glass and onto the ground.

'Tis true no DW2K9ers claimed the 22 points Frank left behind. They figured since McCourt already lived through hell he must be invicible.

The News Is Dead

Walter Cronkite died today at 92. He was fucking awesome. That is all.

The Oracle and Miss of Death both pick up 8 points for their appreciation of good journalism.

Deflated

Retired NFL quarterback Steve "Air" McNair officially had the "Air" removed from both his name and his lungs on Saturday. In what looks like an adultery-gone-wrong murder-suicide, an apparently unstable young woman decided to ventilate the cannon-armed former Alcorn State football standout with several holes to the chest and head.
No DW2K9ers had placed a bet that McNabb's life would go into sudden death, and 64 points go unclaimed.

Don't Leave Earth Without It

Oscar/Emmy award-winning actor Karl Malden passed away in his sleep today at the age of 97.

Malden had a lengthy career that started when he built all the theaters on Broadway, a task he undertook soon after he combined his inventions of earth and fire to make bricks.

Karl's signature role may have been that of Lt. Mike Stone on the television hit The Streets of San Fransisco, which ran too long ago for me to remember. I bring up Streets here, though, because Karl co-starred with an untalented young douche-ling named Michael Douglas, who many of us now know as an aging, bloated, hacky, mega-douche named Michael Douglas. Michael Douglas still thinks that the same hair style is cool, (it isn't) and yet he STILL gets the excessively hot Zeta-Jones? (WTF?) Screw you, Michael Douglas!

Malden also parlayed his "authoritative tough guy" image into a 20-year stint of scaring people into using American Express products by showing an exaggerated number of defenseless American tourists being robbed, assaulted, and left penniless while traveling abroad. That was kind of a dick move, if you ask me, and he really wasn't eclipsed in the area of generating tourist paranoia until the movies Hostel and Turistas came out in 2005 and 2006, repectively.

When not busy being ridiculously old, or tending to his 70-year marriage, the bulbous-nosed actor inspired artists to draw him as a comic book milkman.*

A very stubborn Grim Reaper kept Malden on his list for the past TEN DeathWatches, and is finally rewarded for his troubles with three measly points.

*OK, I made that up, but there is a resemblance there, right? Also coincidental is that Malden's immigrant father WAS a milkman for 38 years.

I Think It Might Go a Little Something Like This...

Impressionist Fred Travalena has died at age 66.

Witnesses say the comedian was onstage, doing an impression of Billy Mays and just took it too far.

"He was so committed to his craft," said friend Paul Rodriguez. "He really wanted to nail this one and he felt the only way to do the impression right was to stop his own heart. By the way, the audience? Loved it! He killed! And died."

Unsurprisingly, no DW2K9 players knew who the hell Fred Travalena was. Or cared.

BILLY MAYS IS DEAD!

TV SPOKESMAN BILLY MAYS HAS DIED IN TAMPA, FLORIDA!!!!!!!

MAYS GAINED NOTORIETY WITH HIS INFOMERCIALS FOR OXYCLEAN BEFORE MOVING ON TO SELL OTHER EXCITING PRODUCTS!!!!

NOW HE'S DEAD AND TV WILL BE MUCH, MUCH QUIETER!!!!

!!!!!!!!!

NO DW2K9 PLAYERS SELECTED MAYS, SO DEATH KNELL BELLE CANNOT ADD TO HER HUGE GODDAMN LEAD!!!!

Aliens Finally Come for Jackson

The alien overlords who placed Michael Jackson on our planet have returned after fifty years to bring him home to planet Altair VI.

Jackson's time on our planet is, Altairian sources say, considered something of a failure, as he did not succeed in blending in to study our human ways. The overlords were highly disappointed to learn that Jackson had made such a spectacle of himself and immediately terminated his mission and began the extraction process.

Reportedly, the extraction involves removing the agent from his shell body and containing the agent's energy in a bejeweled pouch which is then easily shipped home to Altair VI.

At press time, it was unknown if the Altairians were replacing Jackson with another agent, although some in the media have speculated that the replacement agent is already on-planet and is, in fact, Dakota Fanning.