Friday, May 1, 2009

Danny Gans! One night only! LIVE DEAD in Las Vegas!

GodDAMN, this guy is a freaking toolSHED!
It appears as though the overly-white-smile-flashing, cringe-worthy-performance-giving, frat-boy-looking tool Danny Gans has died the way he became famous--for no apparent reason at all.

When not sitting around counting his ill-gotten gains and flossing his fake chompers with his thread-thin penis, Gans liked to waste energy and millions of gallons of water sprinkling the grounds of his lavish homoerotic whites-only ranch in the middle of the freaking desert.

Now, I'm a great writer. Perhaps one of the best in history. But I'll use the words of another, Cintra Wilson's assessment of Gans 10 years ago (from salon.com,)to describe Gans:

Billed as "The Man of Many Voices," he couldn't have better word-of-mouth in town; Laotian cab drivers, unsolicited, gush over him. At poolside, fat, mustachioed and wealthy Texas drunks will go out of their way to sing his praises, apropos of nothing. He is called "incredible." He is actually, we discovered, the most hateful human being ever to have a dog-like and hooting audience full of tasteless, beer-powered, sentimental bigot Dipshits for Jesus.
...
Danny Gans is human filth. His show contained some of the worst, most militantly puerile, good ol' boy racist and homophobic hack material I have ever heard, not to mention the most seamlessly unidentifiable and all-alike-sounding group of vocal impressions ever assembled by a single venal abortion of a performer.


Screw you, Danny. Screw you and your orange skin and your fake crowns and your dyed jet-black rug hair. And screw you for being a talentless hack with less edge than a raquetball.

Nobody chose Gans this year, because this is a death pool for FAMOUS people.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

And Then There's Dead


Former Golden Girl Bea Arthur died Saturday at the age of 86. Remembered fondly for that 80s sitcom, Arthur was also an accomplished stage actress, winning acclaim in such Broadway smashes as Three-Penny Opera, Fiddler on the Roof and Mame.

Arthur became a super-star with her lead role in the ground-breaking 70s sitcom Maude. Her character, Maude Findley was a feminist who broke many TV taboos, such as when her character had an abortion, when she anally violated her husband Walter with a strap-on and when she smeared menstrual blood on her face and assaulted New York mayor Abe Beame with a spear.

Arthur won an Emmy and a Golden Globe for her work on Maude. She will be missed by all the lame Comedy Central Roast comedians who made stupid, easy jokes about her masculine looks.

Amazingly, no DW2K9 players picked Ms. Arthur.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

CURRENT SCORES

LAST EDIT 12/15/2009: Oral Roberts
1. The Crippler 177
2. Thanatos Therap. 147*
3. Death Knell Belle 131
4. The Oracle 124
5. Grim Reaper 107
6. Miss of Death 74
7. Le Chowd 66
7. Kerberos 66
7. Wednesday 66
7. Deady Money 66
11. BadAss Dan 61

TWO COMPLETE LOSERS CURRENTLY TIED AT ZERO!
12. Serpent/Wisdom 0
12. The Shadow 0

*Most recent scorer

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Paul Harvey's Dead...It's True


Renowned radio broadcaster Paul Harvey died at the age of 90.

I'll be completely honest, I know absolutely nothing about this guy and heard a portion of one of his broadcasts maybe once.

But I do remember Rich Hall's awesome impression of him on SNL in the early 80s, and that's enough for me to find his death news-worthy. In fact, I propose that we kill Rich Hall and bury him with Mr. Harvey, as a kind of weird tribute.

Adios, Mr. Harvey. Here's hoping you're visiting that True Value Hardware Store in heaven. Or hell. Wherever.

None of the DW2K9 players whose death lists are posted had Mr. Harvey as a pick. If players whose lists are not yet posted have him, I'm sure the administrators will be quick to correct The Shadow's error.

The Oracle's Deathlist

Billy Graham
Eunice Kennedy Shriver DEAD @ 88
Fidel Castro
Ted Kennedy DEAD @ 77
Patrick Swayze DEAD @ 57
Dick Cheney
Whitney Houston
Bobby Brown
Maurice Clarette
Farrah Fawcett DEAD @ 62
Kirk Douglass
Toby Macguire
George Steinbrenner
Walter Cronkite DEAD @ 92
Betty Ford
Nelson Mandela
Nancy Reagan
Jack Klugman
Robert Downey, Jr.
Liz Taylor

BadAss Dan's Deathlist

Ted Kennedy DEAD @ 77
Artie Lange
George Wendt
Jonathan Winters
Yogi Berra
Pat Summerall
Richard Dawson
Todd Bridges
David Crosby
Michael Richards
Scott Weiland
Stephen Hawking
Ray Bradbury
Henry Hill
Nancy Reagan
Pelé
OJ Simpson
Farrah Fawcett DEAD @ 62
Jerry Stiller
Peter Falk

Deady Money's Deathlist

Jim Nabors
Jack Klugman
B. B. King
Kirk Douglas
Fidel Castro
Muhammad Ali
Dick Clark
Pat Summerall
John Forsythe
Al Molinaro
Elizabeth Taylor
Amy Winehouse
Blake Edwards
Patrick Swayze DEAD @ 57
Kim Jong Il
Steve Jobs
Edward "Ted" Kennedy DEAD @ 77
Seve Ballesteros
George Steinbrenner
Gene Wilder