The News Is Dead

Walter Cronkite died today at 92. He was fucking awesome. That is all.

The Oracle and Miss of Death both pick up 8 points for their appreciation of good journalism.

Deflated

Retired NFL quarterback Steve "Air" McNair officially had the "Air" removed from both his name and his lungs on Saturday. In what looks like an adultery-gone-wrong murder-suicide, an apparently unstable young woman decided to ventilate the cannon-armed former Alcorn State football standout with several holes to the chest and head.
No DW2K9ers had placed a bet that McNabb's life would go into sudden death, and 64 points go unclaimed.

Don't Leave Earth Without It

Oscar/Emmy award-winning actor Karl Malden passed away in his sleep today at the age of 97.

Malden had a lengthy career that started when he built all the theaters on Broadway, a task he undertook soon after he combined his inventions of earth and fire to make bricks.

Karl's signature role may have been that of Lt. Mike Stone on the television hit The Streets of San Fransisco, which ran too long ago for me to remember. I bring up Streets here, though, because Karl co-starred with an untalented young douche-ling named Michael Douglas, who many of us now know as an aging, bloated, hacky, mega-douche named Michael Douglas. Michael Douglas still thinks that the same hair style is cool, (it isn't) and yet he STILL gets the excessively hot Zeta-Jones? (WTF?) Screw you, Michael Douglas!

Malden also parlayed his "authoritative tough guy" image into a 20-year stint of scaring people into using American Express products by showing an exaggerated number of defenseless American tourists being robbed, assaulted, and left penniless while traveling abroad. That was kind of a dick move, if you ask me, and he really wasn't eclipsed in the area of generating tourist paranoia until the movies Hostel and Turistas came out in 2005 and 2006, repectively.

When not busy being ridiculously old, or tending to his 70-year marriage, the bulbous-nosed actor inspired artists to draw him as a comic book milkman.*

A very stubborn Grim Reaper kept Malden on his list for the past TEN DeathWatches, and is finally rewarded for his troubles with three measly points.

*OK, I made that up, but there is a resemblance there, right? Also coincidental is that Malden's immigrant father WAS a milkman for 38 years.

I Think It Might Go a Little Something Like This...

Impressionist Fred Travalena has died at age 66.

Witnesses say the comedian was onstage, doing an impression of Billy Mays and just took it too far.

"He was so committed to his craft," said friend Paul Rodriguez. "He really wanted to nail this one and he felt the only way to do the impression right was to stop his own heart. By the way, the audience? Loved it! He killed! And died."

Unsurprisingly, no DW2K9 players knew who the hell Fred Travalena was. Or cared.

BILLY MAYS IS DEAD!

TV SPOKESMAN BILLY MAYS HAS DIED IN TAMPA, FLORIDA!!!!!!!

MAYS GAINED NOTORIETY WITH HIS INFOMERCIALS FOR OXYCLEAN BEFORE MOVING ON TO SELL OTHER EXCITING PRODUCTS!!!!

NOW HE'S DEAD AND TV WILL BE MUCH, MUCH QUIETER!!!!

!!!!!!!!!

NO DW2K9 PLAYERS SELECTED MAYS, SO DEATH KNELL BELLE CANNOT ADD TO HER HUGE GODDAMN LEAD!!!!

Aliens Finally Come for Jackson

The alien overlords who placed Michael Jackson on our planet have returned after fifty years to bring him home to planet Altair VI.

Jackson's time on our planet is, Altairian sources say, considered something of a failure, as he did not succeed in blending in to study our human ways. The overlords were highly disappointed to learn that Jackson had made such a spectacle of himself and immediately terminated his mission and began the extraction process.

Reportedly, the extraction involves removing the agent from his shell body and containing the agent's energy in a bejeweled pouch which is then easily shipped home to Altair VI.

At press time, it was unknown if the Altairians were replacing Jackson with another agent, although some in the media have speculated that the replacement agent is already on-planet and is, in fact, Dakota Fanning.

Jackson 5 4

[Editor's Note: The following is the first in the Michael Jackson posts, written by DW2K9's very own Deady Money! Thanks to Deady for writing his thoughts for us, there will be more MJ posts to come! --Grim]



The King of Pop has grabbed his last crotch. (Be it his own or that of a pre-teen boy)

Death left millions (?) of fans crying, “I want you back,” after stealing what MJ had stolen from so many adoring fans—his heart. The kill ends a long hiatus between the previous attempts on Jackson’s life in which Death went for a “style kill” by igniting the singer’s hair during the filming of a Pepsi commercial.

As noted by the Grim Reaper, Jackson’s death is “EPIC death, the likes of which we may not see again”. As such, the breadth of Wacko Jacko’s eccentric proclivities cannot be covered in a single post. No doubt—he was iconic to the extreme. Jackson’s impact on popular culture was stunning. I think at one point MTV may have run the video for Thriller every half-hour during Christmas break 1983. His music, fashion and personality inspired musical parodies (Weird Al, anyone?), fashion statements (in the form of zippered jackets and sequined gloves) and the MOONWALK. I mean, how influential have you become when they create an arcade game based not only on your likeness but on your signature dance move? Having played this game, I can tell you there is nothing like rescuing Bubbles the chimp from captivity by hitting the button to unleash your “Dance Magic” power move causing the henchmen on the screen to bust into dance moves which ultimately cause death.

On a personal note, I think MJ’s bizarre attempts to hide his face through alterations to his face/skin (although easily mocked) reveal a desperate man attempting to hide in plain sight by changing who he was on the outside because his greatest blessing was also his greatest curse. Then again, he did give children “Jesus Juice”. Peace out, MJ. I still think Thriller is a fucking sweet video!