Veteran sports journalist George Michael passed away today from cancer that many suspect was the product of more than a quarter century of labor with dangerously radioactive sports machinery.
In the late 1970s, the U.S. government developed a hazardous new top-secret technology. This technology culminated in the 1980 construction of a room-sized supercomputer that could snatch global sports highlights seemingly out of thin air. Built in a concrete bunker beneath the cornfields of central Iowa, this project was called, appropriately, "The Sports Machine." Reliable middle-aged sportscaster George Michael was chosen to lead the project, a decision which would irradiate Michael and his crew for the 27 years that followed.
When the Sports Machine was first broadcast into homes, some conspiracy theorists said that the machinery wasn't real. Clearly, they weren't looking closely at all the giant dials, mammoth buttons, and working reel-to-reel tape machines! Other critics said that George Michael's broadcasting voice was so overly affected that it had to be computer generated. None of the critics understood the reality: The Sports Machine was REAL, and it was biometrically tuned to respond only to George Michael's touch.
In the decades that followed, entire 24-hour sports television networks were launched, amassing legions of videographers and armies of statisticians to try to duplicate the success of The Sports Machine. All attempts to unseat Michael failed to be as powerful or relevant as the 30-minute once-weekly Sports Machine.
ESPN, CNN/SI, FoxSports, et al., however, used inferior technology that was not based on colossal machinery fueled by radioactive isotopes. Fortunately, the staffs of these failed copycat sports ventures will not need to buried in lead-lined coffins.
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