I Think It Might Go a Little Something Like This...

Impressionist Fred Travalena has died at age 66.

Witnesses say the comedian was onstage, doing an impression of Billy Mays and just took it too far.

"He was so committed to his craft," said friend Paul Rodriguez. "He really wanted to nail this one and he felt the only way to do the impression right was to stop his own heart. By the way, the audience? Loved it! He killed! And died."

Unsurprisingly, no DW2K9 players knew who the hell Fred Travalena was. Or cared.

BILLY MAYS IS DEAD!

TV SPOKESMAN BILLY MAYS HAS DIED IN TAMPA, FLORIDA!!!!!!!

MAYS GAINED NOTORIETY WITH HIS INFOMERCIALS FOR OXYCLEAN BEFORE MOVING ON TO SELL OTHER EXCITING PRODUCTS!!!!

NOW HE'S DEAD AND TV WILL BE MUCH, MUCH QUIETER!!!!

!!!!!!!!!

NO DW2K9 PLAYERS SELECTED MAYS, SO DEATH KNELL BELLE CANNOT ADD TO HER HUGE GODDAMN LEAD!!!!

Aliens Finally Come for Jackson

The alien overlords who placed Michael Jackson on our planet have returned after fifty years to bring him home to planet Altair VI.

Jackson's time on our planet is, Altairian sources say, considered something of a failure, as he did not succeed in blending in to study our human ways. The overlords were highly disappointed to learn that Jackson had made such a spectacle of himself and immediately terminated his mission and began the extraction process.

Reportedly, the extraction involves removing the agent from his shell body and containing the agent's energy in a bejeweled pouch which is then easily shipped home to Altair VI.

At press time, it was unknown if the Altairians were replacing Jackson with another agent, although some in the media have speculated that the replacement agent is already on-planet and is, in fact, Dakota Fanning.

Jackson 5 4

[Editor's Note: The following is the first in the Michael Jackson posts, written by DW2K9's very own Deady Money! Thanks to Deady for writing his thoughts for us, there will be more MJ posts to come! --Grim]



The King of Pop has grabbed his last crotch. (Be it his own or that of a pre-teen boy)

Death left millions (?) of fans crying, “I want you back,” after stealing what MJ had stolen from so many adoring fans—his heart. The kill ends a long hiatus between the previous attempts on Jackson’s life in which Death went for a “style kill” by igniting the singer’s hair during the filming of a Pepsi commercial.

As noted by the Grim Reaper, Jackson’s death is “EPIC death, the likes of which we may not see again”. As such, the breadth of Wacko Jacko’s eccentric proclivities cannot be covered in a single post. No doubt—he was iconic to the extreme. Jackson’s impact on popular culture was stunning. I think at one point MTV may have run the video for Thriller every half-hour during Christmas break 1983. His music, fashion and personality inspired musical parodies (Weird Al, anyone?), fashion statements (in the form of zippered jackets and sequined gloves) and the MOONWALK. I mean, how influential have you become when they create an arcade game based not only on your likeness but on your signature dance move? Having played this game, I can tell you there is nothing like rescuing Bubbles the chimp from captivity by hitting the button to unleash your “Dance Magic” power move causing the henchmen on the screen to bust into dance moves which ultimately cause death.

On a personal note, I think MJ’s bizarre attempts to hide his face through alterations to his face/skin (although easily mocked) reveal a desperate man attempting to hide in plain sight by changing who he was on the outside because his greatest blessing was also his greatest curse. Then again, he did give children “Jesus Juice”. Peace out, MJ. I still think Thriller is a fucking sweet video!

Michael Jackson post(s) coming...

Sweet MOSES, Michael Jackson is DEAD.
There is a lot to Say, Say, Say...but not enough time to write it today.
There may be multiple stories here this weekend, so stay tuned!

Celebs are dropping like pianos and safes out of high-rise buildings!

Also, Death Knell Belle is absolutely RAPING the competition, with 88 points in a single day--a DW all-time record. Scores and deathlists are all updated.
--Grim

Death Calls Plumber, Finally Turns Off Leaky Fawcett

Come on--the "Angels" reference was too easy, right? My only other option was something about a curse on the cast of The Cannonball Run (though the real curse is all the lousy crap Burt Reynolds subjected us to afterward--"Evening Shade" anyone?)

Farrah Fawcett died today at age 62 after a battle with several cancers that were derived from anal cancer.

There might be more to write here, had she done more than a poster shoot in the mid-70s and star for one season as Jill Munroe on Charlie's Angels. (TV movies-of-the-week don't count--Burning Bed I'm looking at you, here.)

SIX DeathWatchers predicted this "end" for Farrah, and get 38 points: The Oracle, The Crippler, Death Knell Belle, Defending champ Thanatos Therapeuticus, BadAssDan , and me--The Grim Reaper.

I always thought Cheryl Ladd was hotter anyway.

Ed McMahon of Hollywood, California, You May Already Be a Winner Corpse!

(Scene from a hospital room June 22, 2009)
Doctor: Mr. McMahon, I'm sorry to tell you that you don't have much time left.
Ed: YOU ARE CORRECT, SIR!
Doctor: No seriously, man, you're going to die, probably tonight.
Ed: DO TELL, O' EXALTED ONE! (Guffaws in an exaggerated manner for 10 seconds)
Doctor: Clearly, I'm not getting through to you. (walks out)
Ed: HEYYYYYYY-OOOOOO! (dies of unknown semi-natural causes)

Television legend Ed McMahon died today, following suit only a few short months after his dignity.

Co-host of Johnny Carson's The Tonight Show for 30 years from 1962-1992, Ed McMahon was the best-known sidekick in history. Unfortunately, McMahon would live long enough to squander both his star power capital (making Star Search and TV Bloopers and Practical Jokes) and his actual capital (having his house foreclosed on in recent years).

One is left to wonder if the widow of the man who inspired "Weird" Al Yankovic's "Here's Johnny"* will collect on one of those low-cost Colonial Penn Life Insurance Policies? Well, if not, at least Cash4Gold has her covered and will buy all of his fillings.

Unbelievably, no DW2K9ers "Carnac"ed his death, and 2009 remains a scoreless tie. Everybody tip back a can of "The King of Beers" for Big Ed tonight.

*Hat tip to SuicideByDouche for the reminder on the song!

Hung Fu: The Legend...Ends?

Actor David Carradine was found DEAD in a Bangkok hotel room today, and reports have said the actor/martial artist may have hung himself in a closet (perhaps with one of his black belts?)

When not busy starring in Hollywood movies as a supercool martial arts expert (the WHITEST Asian man EVER,) Carradine kept his pimp hand strong, marrying and divorcing five bitches in his spare time.

Investigators are searching for signs of foul play, but Pai Mei's Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique may not be traceable even by the most experienced forensic scientists.

DeathWatchers missed out on a rare DOUBLE SUICIDE BONUS (pending investigation), and could have earned 56 points on the depressed 72-year-old grasshopper.